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Hello again from the world of the Quantum. Fighting a one man battle against the bullshit of life.

Does your job define monotony and are you just doing it to pay the bills? Do you have daydreams of planting a claymore mine in your bosses’ vegetable patch? We can all feel like this sometimes. It’s the real world unfortunately; and it differs greatly from our childhood perceptions, where everyone is going to be a racing driver or a rock star.

Most of us put up with our jobs because we need money to pay for food, clothes, drugs etc….., but precious few of us would be doing the same things if they weren’t inherently necessary for our immediate survival.

Join the darksde........ We offer full medical insurance and company pension after a qualifying period

Join the darksde........ We offer full medical insurance and company pension after a qualifying period

The vast majority of us stay where we are, without accepting risk as part of life. Maybe it really is time to move on though. Below are some of the most obvious examples of bullshit in the workplace. See if you can identify with any of them:-

1) When you initially applied for your job, it had an elaborate title. In actuality, you are a glorified gofer/joey/schmuck.

You know what i’m talking about. You read the advert, “Wanted: Qualified refuse transit operator.” You arrived at work for your first day and began emptying people’s trash cans. Or maybe it read, “Urgently required: Experienced telemarketing executives and account managers”, in which case you are probably cold-calling crack houses, in an effort to convince the occupants they can’t conceivably exist without at least a year’s subscription to Goat Fetish Weekly.

2) You have regular corporate meetings, in which your input is encouraged.

This is a blatant insult to people’s intelligence. I’ve personally worked two entry level jobs with fancy titles for two global corporations, BT and American Express. Both followed the above policy and it’s ironic that of all my jobs, these are the two in which my opinion mattered the least. Today’s world is one where only appearances matter, and big companies love to create the impression that the average employee is valued.

Wake up and smell the roasted morning beverage! The deplorable reality is that you are about as irreplacable as cannon-fodder and it’s doubtful your company built their imperialistic empire by allowing Bertie, the stoner from first-line support, to make the technical decisions.

Hi! I'm John Rambo and i'm taking cold-calling to the next level. Are you happy with your current broadband provider? Remember, I kill for pleasure......

Hi! I'm John Rambo and i'm taking cold-calling to the next level. Are you happy with your current broadband provider? Remember, I kill for pleasure......

3) Repetition.

It’s no coincidence that the most repetitive jobs boast those with the highest staff turnover. If you’re saying/doing the same things every day until it gives you the same effect as four diazepam, this is more than a sign to say goodbye. This is your own self-respect, holding you down powerfully and slapping you in the face with a wet fish. Do the right thing.

4) You’re given lectures on mobility within a company and spun a variation of the classic theme, “play your cards right, and you could move up the ladder.”

Fine, if you’re in the army, or the Gambino family, then moving up might be something which boasts potential rewards. Typically however, the average employer dangling this carrot will be a fat, balding, fifty-one year old virgin, called Dave. Dave will be a middle-manager at some crappy diner or call-centre and will be so pleased with his own success at life, he will take regular trips to the toilet, where he will break down in tears and masturbate furiously over his secretary’s coffee-cup.

5) You’re sick of small-minded individuals who spend all of their work-time talking about other people.

We all know them. The group of bitches (not necessarily all female) who loiter by the coffee machine and thrive on talking about other peoples’ business all day. Sadly, it’s all too often these are the ones who receive

I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Anyone who has met my wife will tell you i'm homosexual. Believe me, that's one relationship in which I'M the bitch

I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Anyone who has met my wife will tell you i'm homosexual. Believe me, that's one relationship in which I'M the bitch

promotions and other accolades, exclusively becasue of the fact they will shit on the head of God himself to get half a leg-up. This is where my opinion deviates slightly from criminal law, which clearly prohibits violence. Office bitches and gossip-mongers should, in my humble opinion, be systematically forced to drink turpentine and then piss on a local forest-fire. If any survive, they should then enter an anthrax-snorting competition. THAT……… would redefine the sporting interpretation of the phrase, “Sudden death”.

6) You work in a morgue.

If you’re doing a general job my friends, i’m sure you’ll agree that the LAST thing you want is a humourless atmosphere. If you’re receiving the evil-eye from the telesales supervisor because you’re having a joke with your mate about his mother having a vagina like a wizard’s sleeve, it’s time to get out. When I used to work for BT, you quite literally could have died at your desk without anyone noticing. In fact, I suspect over half the staff WERE dead, and were merely continuing with their menial duties out of some ghostly sense of loyalty.

7) You hate your boss.

The savvy amongst you will know, many of the crappy middle-management jobs are filled by individuals bullied as children. The entire reason they’ve spent their lives in pursuit of such a ridiculous scenario, is so they can wreak retribution on society for this. Now they have a bit of power and have wasted the last twenty years obtaining it, just so they can have the satisfaction of ordering a spotty teenager to cook more fries or make more phone-calls. If you are working for anyone matching this description, you should calmly explain your feelings…………. also explain this is the reason they’ve just caught you urinating on their car.

8) Your boss hates you.

Be warned that companies want compliant little employees who swallow every mouthful of corporate propaganda, like it was an elixir of truth. Anyone who isolates themselves from wanting to participate in

He told me to do the photocopying, so I killed him............. with my teacup.......

He asked me to do the photocopying. So I killed him............. with my teacup.......

regular brain-washing strategy becomes an immediate target for problems. If this is you, don’t worry, you have a medical condition commonly known as sanity. In much the same way, when weirdos were running through forests, trying to burn witches because a rich cardinal explained it was the word of God, you were the one who wasn’t quite sure they’d got the right idea.

And that’s it for another installment my friends. Hope you can join me agin next time. If you liked this website then please join my group on the link below. Finally, stay positive. In a worse-case scenario, if you’re really unhappy in your job, just wait………….

And then when you’re absolutely sure everyone’s left for the evening, direct some targeted mortar fire at your office from a safe distance.

Quantumhead has left the building. Peace and goodwill.