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Ok, so if E-mailing a targeted correspondance, formulated to expose and humiliate your enemies flaws isn’t your style (or even if you just want some fun whilst you wait), then here are some alternatives:-

1) Sugar in the petrol tank.

This one can be risky, but is satisfyingly childish. Plus it really fucks their car up. Classic trick. Right up there with the “banana in the tailpipe.”

Satisfaction factor – 6/10

Risk assessment – High

Can you believe those Iraqis fell for the old "weapons-grade plutonium in the gas-tank" trick?

Can you believe those Iraqis fell for the old "weapons-grade plutonium in the gas-tank" trick?

2) Place a same sex wanted advert in multiple publications

If you have access to your target’s contact details, this might be worth consideration. Take the time to research as many dating agencies as you can and sign your target up with all of them.

Satisfaction factor – 7/10

Risk assessment – Low

3) Place an anonymous tip in a local forum, that the occupant living at your target’s address has served time for importing blind polish albino girls for work in the sex trade. Or better still, have you considered how much your irritating boss/ex-husband/arch-enemy  resembles that person law-enforcement want to question, in relation to an explosion of underwear thefts in the area? Perhaps you should inform them anonymously.

Satisfaction factor – 10/10                                         

Risk assessment – Depends how “anonymous” you are

It's you!!

It's you!!

4) Laxatives.

Always good for a show, one of my idiot friends did this to me a few years back. Only with the added bunus of introducing animal nitrate to my beer. If you can sneak a couple in to your bosses’ water/tea/coffee, then you potentially could enjoy the fruits of your labour  when he is stricken with explosive diarrhea half an hour later. If you feel the circumstances warrant it, maybe make an executive decision involving the substitution of laxatives with LSD. Those of you who are sociopathic, use DMT.

Satisfaction factor – 10/10

Risk assessment – Get caught and you’re doing time. Plus the police will probably say it was GHB you used and you wanted to engage in gay bum sex with your victim. You’re essentially fucked. 

I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm here to hurt you. Real bad.......

I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm here to hurt you. Real bad.......

5) Squeaky bum time

If the offender is either someone who lives with you, or someone whose habitat you can gain access to this can be fun. The basic notion is that you initiate an intimate encounter between your victim’s toothbrush…… and your bumhole.

Satisfaction factor – 12/10

Risk assessment – low. The snag is it’s rare to be this close to a mortal enemy

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