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1) Take your time.

If someone you know is literally bursting for a big fat dollop of humble pie, ensure you put the effort in to bake them a big one. Check your facts and do your research.

I have trained many years for this day. Now you will pay for the brutal nipple twisters you inflicted upon me as a boy.

I have trained many years for this day. Now you will pay for the brutal nipple twisters you inflicted upon me as a boy.

2) Never act in anger.

If you want to thoroughly enforce some vengeance, cold and calculating is the only way. Anyone who has ever dated a woman know that they are generally much better at this than men. However if you’re male, like me, you can still work at it. You can only be truly effective if you’re emotionally detached from the situation.

3) Don’t put all your eggs into one basket.

There will always be an element of uncertainty or chance in everything we do. You can’t irrefutably predict that your obsessional wrath will have the desired effect. The solution to this is to plan multiple revenge attacks, ideally to take place concurrently. For example, on Tuesday call your subject anonymously and inform them they have won a christmas hamper in a prize draw and give them a phony address in a distant city to collect it from. On Wednesday, spend two or three hours telephone time, focusing on inviting insurance salesmen, take-out deliveries, transexual escorts and crystal-meth dealers to your subject’s address. The more shit you throw, the more will stick my friends.

4) Cover yourself.

Ok, this one should be written in stone. Most of us who strike back in a tactical way will have motive to do so and therefore will naturally be under suspicion. Suspicion is fine. It’s where most of the satisfaction you feel will come from; knowing that your tyrant ex-boss believes you may have stiched him up. However, NEVER make the mistake of leaving a trail that could lead to any proof. Evidence of naughtiness on your part directly negates your objective because chances are you will be on the receiving end of payback yourself. Detection should be avoided at all costs because it’s how wars start.

5) Be innovative.

Don’t just follow the notions of others because what works in one set of circumstances may not work in

I kick your arse Jet Li. Your tiger style is no match for my wax-on, wax-off. I beat you with my super-wedgie attack, bee-atch......

I kick your arse Jet Li. Your tiger style is no match for my wax-on, wax-off. I beat you with my super-wedgie attack, bee-atch......

another. For this reason, generic revenge ideas are bad news. Analyse weaknesses, and choose your weapons wisely. Be strategic!

6) Have fun.

Ironically, I was going to suggest this be written in blood. The bottom line is that if you’re going through someone’s trash whilst salivating, twitching and muttering lines from “Rain Man” under your breath, you are in fact a psycho. Get help.

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