It had been a particularly rough night for Lindsay Lohan

Obviously there is such a diversity of situations in which someone can be pissing you off, to examine them all would take forever. I don’t believe this is in any way necessary however, if you can memorise certain retorts which can be slightly modified for use in many scenarios. Feel free to re-arrange and add/remove expletives at your own discretion.

1) You’re unequivocally the product of a sexual fling between a cyclops and the fucking honey monster my dear.

 2) I’m wondering whether you might conceivably be more fucking useless than a piping hot bowl of polar bear spunk.

3) I’m regretful of the blatant fact that your mother was raped by a walrus, but that’s really no reason to blame me.

4) I’d tell you to go fuck yourself, but with a face like that it would be rape.

I don't know what you're getting upset about; you must have realised you're ugly. Your face is green for fuck's sake

5) Evidently you consider the sound of your own voice to be a musical instrument. Regrettably you’re fucking tone-deaf.

6) Impressive. Did you invent the chocolate fireguard too, you inbred imbecile?

7) If you were any cleverer, you’d be the village fucking idiot.

It might be true i’ve put a bit of weight on recently yes……… but only because every time I bang your mum, the bitch gives me a biscuit.

9) You’re the son of a rabid afghan whore and a south american forest monkey, you fucking smeg sandwich.

10) Fuck off back to the Jerry Springer show, unclefucker.

Who's ya daddy Saddam?

11) I’d explain how stupid you are, but you’re marginally too stupid to understand, you missing-link motherfucker.

12) I can’t entirely concentrate on your rhetoric my dear, because the smell of your unwashed genitalia is so overpowering.